Egg & Chorizo Sandwich

So, quick note here… Bess is out of town. This is her husband, James. I take the photos on the site, and I eat everything Bess puts up here. No, I know, I am incredibly lucky. Trust me. This is never more evident than when Bess is out of town. Usually it’s a couple days, and I can fend for myself with any frozen stuff she leaves behind for me… for instance, she made about 20 pounds of her bolognese for me to make pasta when I need to. She also left instructions on how to roast broccoli. Because I need vegetables. Listen, scurvy is nothing to laugh at, and in this case, with Bess being gone for maybe the next 10 – 15 days, you can’t be too safe.

I’m not a complete idiot when it comes to being on my own though. Let’s get that straight. It’s not like I’m your stereotypical dolt of a husband from your average sitcom. I can handle myself if I have to. Of course, that all stops with food. I am abhorrently incompetent in the kitchen, so much so that I’m fairly certain I suffer from a yet to be classified disability that prevents me from being able to prepare a simple meal. Modern medicine will one day discover that millions of people have this acute disorder, and we will be forgiven for all the times we burnt the toast, served pink chicken, carved up an overdone steak, or presented guests with runny eggs. But until then, we have to just hope we meet someone like my wife who can ensure our longevity past 35 through tasty, (mostly) healthy food like hers. I am pretty sure if it weren’t for Bess, I’d be pushing 300 pounds from a steady diet of Papa John’s and, on special occasions, chicken fried rice from the local Chinese delivery spot. I am not exaggerating.

So this morning, I’m pretty proud of myself. I know how to scramble eggs… I mean, who doesn’t? But we had some chorizo (spanish for “Thank you, Jesus”) left in the fridge and I figured I’d experiment with the old “scrambled eggs with melted cheese” recipe I’ve been kicking around since college. That’s right, college. I went there. Unbelievable, I know. Anyway.

This is my best attempt at trying to help the other dolts like me out there who couldn’t hold a spatula right unless someone showed them. Should you find yourself with the following ingredients and about 15 minutes to whip something quick up, this isn’t too hard, and it’s darn tasty.

Scrambled eggs and chorizo sandwich

  • 3 eggs if you’re especially hungry. Or, in my case, breathing.
  • 1.5 oz ground chorizo, or half a link from the package.
  • 1 piece of American cheese.
  • Splash of milk.
  • 2 pieces of bread. Any kind, what do I look like? Your bread guy?
  • Like, a smidgen of oil.
  • Healthy dose of humility in the event that you fail.

Crack eggs in a bowl with a splash of milk. Whisk the eggs and the milk to a froth. Tear up a piece of AMERICAN cheese, none of that foreign stuff. Drop the cheese in the egg mix. OK, now go over to your stove, assuming you have one, otherwise what are you doing here? Dummy.

Heat a pan. I don’t know what they’re called, but it’s like an inch deep. Add the smidgen of oil (that’s a thing right?). Heat to… just heat it up until you can throw a little water in the pan to test to see if the oil sizzles. That’s James Science for seeing if it’s ready for the chorizo. Add the chorizo, mash it up. This stuff cooks quick so don’t be an idiot like me and make a phone call when you put it in, otherwise you’re going to burn it and the fire alarm WILL go off. This is the most annoying part about cooking. You know what? It’s probably a best practice to just remove the smoke detector before you cook. Once browned, scoop the chorizo out and put it on a small plate with a paper towel to soak up the grease. Because. Come on… What are you, an animal? Get rid of the grease, trust me.

Drop the egg froth mix with the cheese in the pan. After a couple minutes, add the chorizo. Stir until it all co… oh crap. Put the toast in. Do that now. You should have done it back when you took the chorizo out, FYI. Don’t worry, I made the same mistake.

OK keep mixing those eggs and the chorizo. Smell that? Something’s burning, turn down the heat to like medium. Keep stirring until the eggs are cooked and then move the pan off the heat. Take a minute to clean up, trust me, you’re going to get a look from your sig-oth when they come home, and it’s going to be because you left the pan on the stove with some egg and chorizo still in there. All because you were distracted by a Youtube video you saw on Reddit and well, there went your Friday.

Alright the toast is done, go and get it out. Now add the egg and chorizo mix to the bottom half of the toast and put the second piece on top. I just told you how to make a sandwich, so if you’ve gotten this far, you know you really needed help with the whole cooking thing.

Here’s what it should look like.

In all seriousness, this is pretty tasty, and I survived the whole process. Speaking of survivors, if you were wondering where Bess is, she’s up in New York and New Jersey helping folks out who were hit hard by Hurricane Sandy last week. Every effort counts, there are still people without power… there are still people without a home. Please donate to whatever charity you prefer with a mission in those areas affected by Sandy, or for more information on how you can help support the recovery effort, visit


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